Codependency

Codependency was first described among wives of alcoholic men in the 1950's.  These women, who did not drink or have any other addictions themselves, were seen as long-suffering victims who stayed in sometimes violent or abusive marriages with Addicts.  It was noted however, that when their husbands attempted to become sober, these same women would sabotage their husband's recovery while at the same time complaining about how awful he was when he drank.  The same mechanism was later described among partners (both male and female) of other Addicts so that it is now generally accepted that Codependency is an addiction to suffering based on low self-esteem and poor self-image associated with a dysfunctional schema known as Self-Sacrifice.  The codependent cannot say 'No' for fear of being abandonned.  He / She fears that their partner will leave them and will try to manipulate and control the partner in order not to lose them.  The result is that the partner will often flee into an Addiction to escape the oppressive sense of being controlled.  Both partners suffer when a codependent is in relationship.  This problem is treatable by working on improving self-esteem, self-image, learning to set healthy limits and learning health self-affirmation skills.

Ressources:

Pia Mellody, Facing Codependence:  What it is, Where it comes from, How it sabotages our lives.  1989.

Pia Mellody and Lawrence Freundlich, The Intimacy Factor.  2009.

Melody Beattie, Codependent No More:  Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.  2012.